Just cropdusted the office
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
