I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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