i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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