dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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