im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
