I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
