Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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