She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
