Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize