please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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