it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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