TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The Olympian is in my bed
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