3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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