remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
