Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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