I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
