All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
