And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
