I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize