you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
