Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
