i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
