i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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