Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
