i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
