So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
A+ Viking dick
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
