Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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