I wish I could teleport
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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