Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Someone signed my nipple.
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