Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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