there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
