he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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