tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize