Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
