If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
my poor anus
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
