just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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