just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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