i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
