im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize