im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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