i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
