Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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