I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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