I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He has the fingertips of a God
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