Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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