I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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