Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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