Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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