who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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