so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
