Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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