i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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