last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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