woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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