If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
