A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize