I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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