I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
