the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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