So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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