I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
All the doctor said was why
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize