Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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